Wednesday, May 20, 2009

WARNING!!! Hormonal Blogging (Worse than Drunk Dialing)!

My precious Bubbles

Isn’t it weird how the big things can seem so easy to deal with and then something small takes your breath away?

So I am reading a really good book right now…The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold. It is the story of a young girl, Susie, who is murdered. The story is told from the Susie’s point of view as she sits up in heaven and watches as her family tries to solve her murder and move on with their lives.

When I first started reading, I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to handle the story. I have a young daughter, and losing her is a constant fear of mine. I spend way more time than could possibly be healthy thinking of all of the horrible things that could happen to her (and/or my son). So I was afraid that this story would hit too close to home and start the nightmares.

I am 57 pages from the end of the book, and it appears that my worries were unfounded. I find that I am able to read this book (and enjoy it) without relating it to my own personal life.

Maybe this is because the story takes place in a far different, more innocent, time than the one I am raising children in. Or maybe I have just become adept at stepping into another world when I read and then leaving it behind when I put the book down.

Whatever the reason, I was happy to be able to read this amazingly well told story without my mommy brain kicking in and ruining everything. That is until this afternoon…

In the story, Susie’s mother finds herself in an airport. As Susie watches her mother, she notices a group of kids on a school band trip walking past to go to their gate. They were only mentioned in passing…less than a paragraph…probably just as a way of setting the scene…

But just like that, I felt that kick in the gut! Some day (not that far off in the future), Bubbles is going to be old enough to want to take class trips that require leaving our state. Already, she has taken one field trip that took her 3 hours away. But at least she was still in our state, and in an area that I am familiar with. That won’t always be the case. At some point, I have to relax the death grip I have on her and let her start to explore the world outside of my protective grasp. Where she will come in contact with people I will never see. And not all of them will be nice. This thought terrifies me!

I have told my kids for years, “if I can’t see you, I can’t protect you.” This was a warning not to wander off at the playground or the mall. But eventually they have to go where I can’t see them. Where I can’t protect them. And somehow…I have to be ok with that. Where will I find that strength? I don’t think I have it in me yet…

Isn’t it weird that I can read a story about a girl that it murdered and it doesn’t faze me, but one paragraph about kids who are alive and well can send me into a tail spin?

1 comment:

  1. Ok, are a MOM and this desire to protect will NEVER change or leave you...But, yes, there will come a time when you will be forced to let go....we can let go little by little for now, but before long, (and at the same time since the kids are the same age) we will have to let them fly..... What we do now prepares them for life by themselves.....all we can do is teach, train, and pray.....they will be fine. Bubbles will be fine... she has the best mom and dad I have EVER known.... you will worry about her but you don't HAVE are doing a GREAT job!